What are you looking at?”
It was obvious what I was looking at. Stupid question, so I ignored it.
“Hey, what are you looking at?”
Hmmm. Same question but with a “hey” attached to it. Clever.
I looked at him. What a maroon. The woman sitting with him, a slightly blowsy, bad-dye-job blonde in her late thirties, turned in her chair and was also looking at me.
“Do you mean me?” I said.
“Yeah. What are you looking at?”
According to his lips, he started to finish his sentence with some insult, but he didn’t say the word.
“It should be obvious what I’m looking at,” I said.
“You’re listening to our conversation.”
“No, I’m really not.”
“Yes, you are.”
“I can’t help but overhear what you say when you get loud or say something stupid, but I’m really not listening to you.”
“What did you say?”
“Are you deaf or stupid, or both?” I rolled.
“Are you calling me stupid?”
“Or deaf. Or both. Not sure yet.”
“You’re a jackass. And you never answered my question.”
“Which one?”
“What are you looking at?”
“Baseball.”
“Baseball? What the hell are you talking about?”
I pointed. “There’s a baseball game on TV behind you.”
He turned.
“That’s not baseball. That’s a commercial.”
“It was baseball when we started this stupid conversation eight hours ago.”
“Are you calling me stupid?”
What a parrot. He spoke unaccented Canadian and seemed to understand the English language for the most part. I had to dumb it down.
“I didn’t say you were stupid. I asked if you were. Or deaf. And then I implied your part of our conversation was stupid. But I didn’t say you were. Stupid, that is.”
The blonde got off her stool and took a couple of steps toward me. “You’re obnoxious,” she said.
“You’re probably right,” I said, “but you don’t know me well enough to come to that conclusion.”
The woman at the next table, who had no chin and a facial expression that indicated she’d been weaned on a jalapeño pepper, turned to me.
“You’re provoking.”
“Just trying to watch baseball.”
She sniffed loudly. “Baseball…” She sniffed again, condescendingly.
“Yeah, baseball. I like baseball.”
That worked out for buddy, who now had two supporters. In other circumstances, someone will become encouraged when someone else agrees with him because it makes him think he’s right when it usually only means that two people are wrong. And here were three…
“Do you want to step outside?” said buddy.
“Not particularly. I’m drinking beer and watching baseball. You can go outside by yourself if you want. Hey, look, buddy, the baseball game’s back on.”
“Then I’m gonna pound you right here.”
“No, you’re not. For one thing, the bartender will kick you out, and you still have a full beer you’ll have to pay for regardless. At least get to the end of your beer, settle up, and then threaten me again. I’ll settle up once I finish my beer, have a shot of tequila, and then I’ll meet you outside. OK?”
Pause.
I took another sip of beer. “Dumbass,” I said.
“What did you say?”
“I’ll go back a couple of minutes. Are you deaf or stupid, or both?”
I think he was trying to remember what he answered last time.
I drank my beer and tequila, paid my bill, then went outside, followed by buddy, the blonde, the chinless one, and several other people. We stood on the sidewalk and sized each other up.
He took a swing at me that wasn’t even close to my head. I fell down.
He stood over me and said, “Had enough?”
“Sure, buddy, no problem.”
Everyone went back inside except for the guy. He helped me up.
“I swear, Dave,” I said, “if you’re gonna throw a punch, at least get it close to me. Hard to believe anyone bought it. And your banter needs a lot of work. And if you think that woman is impressed by things like this, she’s some kinda idiot. You need to find a better class of woman.”
“I wish I could. But times are tough. Women confuse me.”
“I get what you’re saying, but…”
Dave shuffled his feet.
I turned away from Dave. “So, tomorrow,” I said, “you remember you show up at Luigi’s about nine, when I’m with Annie, and you say how much you like my paintings, and then disappear, right?”
“I remember.”
“OK. Just don’t do anything stupid.”
“Are you calling me stupid?”